The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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