Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
