I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
