Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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