I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
