You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Text me some of your sweat
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
