oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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