Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
