I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
