If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
