I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
