I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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