Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
