Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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