you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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