You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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