Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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