Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Randomize
