i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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