Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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