so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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