I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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