i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
