My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
