come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
well you can't waste a boner
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I wear drunk well.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
