Operation Purity has been aborted
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
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