I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
