OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
