A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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