Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He had one of those small greek statue penises
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
