so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
