just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
