How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
