I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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