dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
only if we run a train.
done.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
