It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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