I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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