i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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