Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I want to be your penis for a week.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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