Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Bring me that man meat
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
