woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
