Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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