Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
