If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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