stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Randomize
