Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
The best revenge is premature balding
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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