Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
