My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
