Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
