I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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